I laugh up towards the heavens as we hold each other tightly & reply to our would be furry assailants, ” WILL YOU FUCK, YOU SHOWER OF BASTARDS.”

But back to the blog that saved our heroic lives, sometimes life hands you an opportunity which should be grasped. Yesterday I walked past Noel Gallagher in the street, if I had not gone to Boots the chemist & then to another shop where I ended up discussing the merits of online shopping with the store manager, I would never have walked past Noel at that EXACT moment.

Now, as one of the original Oasis fans from way back when this was an earth shaking experience for me. To see one of your idols walk past you in the street makes you question the space time continuum. I turned to look for Al from Quantum Leap so I could demand the odds from Ziggy on the chances of this event occurring. Alas he wasn’t there as he isn’t real.

The experience was ruined though as Mr Gallagher was on his phone & I thought it would be rude to interrupt him mid conversation, incurring his & his burly minder’s wrath. I watched them disappear down the street, ready to give chase should the king of Brit pop finish his conversation. But alas it wasn’t to be. OH WHAT COULD OF BEEN!

In a parallel universe Noel & I would chat & he would then invite me for a drink as he thought I was such a double mad for it top laugh. He would then employ me as his Svengali & I would change my name to Rudy Tiptop. Eventually I would become Prime minister due to my wise words & ability to avert a crisis with a hilarious pun. When I finally took my place as king of the world, riding a genetically engineered cross between a silver back gorilla & a stallion, I would look back on that fateful moment when I bumped into Noel Gallagher & think what a tragic turn my life COULD have taken had I not. I would then kick my trusty steed in the sides & gallop off to survey my next kingdom. HUZZAH!

Below is a sketch of the fateful moment went it all went fucking tits up.

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to draw for a living. I was especially reminded of this when clearing out under the stairs at my mother’s house (this is not a euphemism). I found an old letter I had written to Marvel Comics UK. The letter oozed hopes & dreams of a future involving fast cars & GIRLS, I imagined myself sipping cream sodas with Stan Lee in New York, while we discussed the future of Spiderman & the Marvel Universe in general. We would then hit Studio 54 & get into a drug fuelled punch up with David Bowie & recalcitrant rock god Freddie Mercury. Life would be one long mad ride until I crashed & burned, retiring to Beverley Hills to live with the Fresh Prince’s Uncle Phil in his palatial mansion, a torrid affair with Aunt Vivian would take place, but I’d blame it on Jazzy Jeff.

The only problem to this dream was I can’t draw to a level that a comic artist would even deem laughable. Say the word ‘perspective’ or ‘anatomically correct’ to me & I break out in a cold sweat, froth erupts from my mouth & I try & kiss you on the lips to distract you from the question you just asked me, this would normally work. But it would only detract from the elephant in the room, which incidentally I could draw side on, but not as a bird’s eye view or with any depth.

But this hasn’t stopped me my friends. NO NO NO! I continue to battle on with the pen & the ink. Much like Sean Connery, I never say never again. I have decided to send a new letter to Marvel Comics now that I have honed my skills. I have been training for YEARS, much like a really slow version of Ralph Macchio in the Karate Kid. Obviously they couldn’t have drawn out Ralph’s training in the film over a period of years as it would have been properly boring & the film would have been called the Karate Man, which has straight to VHS written all over it. My submission to Marvel will be the life story of Harry Nilsson, below is a sneak peak at part of the graphic novel. New York beckons…