Your greatest fear isn’t fear itself. It’s what fucking scares you.

You awake with a start, your cold clammy hand reaches up to mop your feverish brow. It is then that you realise how complex & beautiful you really are. As the realisation dawns on you a spider crawls under the bed sheets & sinks it’s malicious mandibles into your sweat prickled skin. As the venom courses through your veins you shriek in terror as you realise it is my latest blog!

At the moment spiders seem to be a hot topic of conversation on social networking sites & in the media. The two are intertwined like urban foxes making sweet love to each other. Their demonic baby like howls piercing our ears until we have no choice but to respond by running naked into the alley to join their vicious tryst. But I digress, arachnids. I suffer from arachnophobia, I fear the spelling as much as the ailment. These eight legged creatures strike fear into my very soul & this year there is an abundance of fear, under the sofa, in the bathroom, scuttling through the kitchen, crawling down my mouth as I sleep & laying eggs in my ears so that their hairy fang wielding offspring can munch on my brain over a period of weeks until nothing is left & they inhabit my skull socket & take over my life.

What would a spider do if it took on human form or could control our bodies like the little silver men in Zoids? (A toy of the eighties, google the shit out if it).

Well my friends the human spider would run rampant! Eating anything in sight, but they would mainly congregate in fast food shops, really crap ones that imitate the bigger multi national food chains. The establishments called things like Kenny’s Fried Chicken or Beef Royalty. Here they would meet to plot sinister crimes & stare hypnotically into the deep fat fryer.

I know you were hoping for the reality to be so much more Peter Parker, but the grim truth is spiders would eat us all if they had the chance. A dog’s bark is often worse than it’s bite, this is not the case with spiders as they can’t bark. Therefore biting is their only option.

So on these damp late summer evenings when you’re sat at home watching repeats of Terry & June, if a spider crawls into view, leap from your chair & run for your shit ridden lives!!! Abandon all belongings, loved ones & hope for we are doomed!!!

Now I normally do an illustration at the end of my blog to ram home my salient point like a samurai sword into the skull of a ninja assassin. But I’ll be honest, the thought of illustrating a spider scared me so much that I had to illustrate my second greatest fear.

This fear is of being in the sea, drowning, as I can’t swim. (I have lead shins, medical fact). But not only am I drowning I am being attacked by a Great White Shark, as things can’t get much worse a performing bear falls of a passing Russian Cruise ship & joins the killer shark in the vicious life ending attack.

The illustration is called, ‘WELL THAT WAS AN ANGRY EMAIL.”